I really am here

But I have been feeling sort of blank. That is - I always think about things I would tell you. Lots of little anecdotes that would make this a living blog throughout my day and my week, but then at the end of it, when I sit down to tell them to you, my mind goes blank. Empty. White.

It is not unpleasant. For years I hated silence, because everytime there was nothing to fill my brain with, inevitably my brain would start coming with all these worrying thoughts about my future, my finances, my studies, my job going on and on and on until I could hear nothing else but worries and I would cry inside myself, feeling myself sinking deeper and deeper. These days if there is silence, I find myself in a good space inside my head - it is kind of like a nice summer day, not too hot, not too cold, just right, with the sun shining at you, not too strong, not too directly, but just right. It doesn't mean that I don't think about stuff, it just means that there is space to be quiet, and I've been enjoying it.

But, there are many things that I would like to share. And that does not happen if I just keep this page blank, like my page. And it is not as if the thoughts I have in my head, before it goes blank and white, couldn't be translated into words on this page. So here goes - I am really here. I am back.

Who has the best husband in the world?

That would be me (that's right!) - just see the notes he writes to me on our fridge:

Translation: Rebekka you are my best friend and I love you!
(Oh, and it is even better when you know that he is not Norwegian, and that he is actually learning Norwegian so that we can speak together in both of our mother tongues. And when you see that the note is in flawless Norwegian. He really is the greatest!)

A little silly to fill the time with

So I saw this blogthing somewhere out there, and thought it looked fun, so I did it. This who I am:

Your Word is "Love"

You see life as possibility to form deep connections with a few people. Relationships are the center of your world, and you always take time to bond with those you love. You are caring and giving. You enjoy helping those you love. And when it comes to romantic love, you feel passionately ... even in a very long term relationship.

What's Your Word?

Remembering suddenly

This morning I was reading the newspaper. It is an old newspaper. Well, maybe not that old, only about a week or so. It was an English newspaper, and so I expected everything in it to be about the British Isles, about things which concern the British. But then, in the travel section there was an interview with a Norwegian author. T and I are currently reading his bestseller together. It has been translated to English, and was a gift to us from a dear friend. And suddenly, while reading the interview in the newspaper, I was reminded of my grandmother.

My grandmother used to cut the book reviews out of the newspaper. Not all the book reviews, but those which were on books which interested her. Sometimes she would already have bought the book and she was waiting for the review. Other times she would a review in the paper, cut it out and then go and buy the book. And the cut out book reviews were then put where they belonged - inside the books they reviewed.

It gave such honour - both to the book and the author as well as to the review and the reviewer. It gave them a life together, jut like it was meant to be.

I have some of my grandmother's books. I love opening them and seeing the review lying there, greeting me, bidding me welcome into the book's world and more importantly, into my grandmother's world. I never asked her, how she came to cut out the reviews and put them inside the books. But I like it. A lot. And I miss her. A lot. I think I will go and cut out that interview with that Norwegian author now. I'll go and put it inside the book he wrote.

T's got a new kipa

Finished his new kipa earlier this week, just in time for his first exam as a grad student. Which he passed of course! Totally because of the kipa, I know! (hihi!)

(Please excuse the bad photo - it is really hard to get a good photo of this kipa. I deleted about 50 of them - and this was the best of the lot!)

Second anniversary is cotton year, or in other words: kipa year. Today we went out to celebrate our monthiversary - we got married on the 4th of September, and so we try to always do something special on the 4th of every month. It is our feeble attempt at remembering that we have to work at love, passion and friendship. Living together, sharing house, bills and responsibility is not enough. We want to stay in this relationship all the way, and we work hard to make sure that that will happen. We instituted the monthiversary dates right away, and we've been pretty successful at managing to take the time. We don't always do fancy stuff, that is not the essence. The essence is the time and thought that we want to do something nice together. Sometimes that can be to make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and go for a picnic after work together, other times we rent a movie and watch it together. Mostly it is our time to be together, acknowledge one another, listen and share with each other, just being together. Today though we went all out, and went to one of our favourite places and had a lovely dinner. It was such a treat. We don't normally go out to eat, so this was really special. The atmosphere was lovely, the food was great and the company inspirational! The perfect end to a hectic week!

Without a name

Det namnlösa

Mycket gör ont, som inte har namn.
Bäst är att tiga och ta det i famn.
Mycket är hemligt och dunkelt och farligt.
Bäst är att bära det vördsamt och varligt.
Bäst är att tryggt på det hemliga troutan att peta på frön som gro.
"Här gick aldrig tanken på spaning.
Allmoder, led mig med säker maning!"
Gott är att lyss til sin Moders röst
-ordlöst bekymmer får ordlös tröst.

Karin Boye

I came across this poem today and had to share it with you. It is written by the Swedish poet Karin Boye, who writes so very beautifully. It reminded me of all those things which surround us, for which we have no name - the unspoken unacknowledged fear and the intense love that makes your insides hurt and your eyes tear up to mention a couple.

Shakespeare asks: What is in a name? I always want to answer: Everything! When you can give something a name, when you know the name, it is demystified. It is somehow closer to you, even though nothing has changed except it has a name. Giving something a name makes it more real and present, but it also makes it easier to deal with. How can you deal with something you don't even know what is? In the giving of a name lies the acknowledgement of the thing/feeling/person. In the giving of a name you are really saying: I see you. I hear you. I recognize you.

In this poem though, Karin Boye points out that some things don't have names, some tings cannot be captured in words, such as feelings. And what are we to do? How can we tolerate living in a world where the very essence of us cannot be spoken. She suggests that sometimes the solution lies in another human being, in the poem specifically in a mother. For an unnamed feeling and discomfort and pain there can be unspoken comfort given to you. But the comfort has to come from the outside of you. When wrapped up in unnamed emotions there is no room for self comfort, and we are in need of the other. In the other we can find the comfort which we are unable to provide for ourselves. We also find acknowledgement of the unspoken feeling. And so in the comfort of the other, we not only are soothed, but the unnamed has been acknowledged and in a certain degree named, and therefore made less harmful to us. Our relationships with the people around us and our ability as well as theirs to help us find and see ourselves is truly amazing. Only with the help of the other can we truly see who we are.

Addicted to love

I am always a little afraid of becoming addicted to things. I like to be in control, and not to be controlled. Especially not by little things like tv or chocolate or internet. But the truth of the matter is, I am a little addicted to all of the above, and to certain aspects of them specifically.

One of the signs that you are addicted, and that you are a real addict, is that you hide it from other people. It is not something you share with other people. You do it alone. For years I kept my love of chocolate hidden from family and friends. It was only when the person I love the most, who I share everything with, unknowingly told my mother that I am obsessed with chocolate that they found out. My mother was very surprised. She had had no idea. And my love had had no idea that it had been a secret I had kept from her all these years, simply because I had shared it with him so freely. And the funny thing is, that even if my chocolate consumption may not have been reduced tremendously since then, it most certainly is more healthy - mentally that is. I no longer cower in the corner, I no longer buy chocolate in secret, having my secret stash in a box by the bed. No, now I have one chocolate stash with my love, and although I eat most of it (yes, I admit it), I no longer hide the fact that I eat it. Or that I enjoy it.

And so with this in mind - getting the addictions out in the open, I am ready to say that my real addiction these days is of a very different kind. Yes, there is chocolate and tv and internet, but those are not the real ones. The big one is this: I'm totally and utterly addicted to T - my love. To holding his hand, knowing he is close, seeing him, talking to him, hearing his voice, his laughter, seeing the things he does. I am addicted to love. And not just any love. His love. Oh, I am a lucky girl to be addicted to him, and to know that I can be. This is truly an addiction I want to have for life!

Thoughts on continuing happiness

I woke up this morning feeling happy and content. The feeling is still with me now a few hours later, and I am so pleased. Sometimes it is hard to keep the good feelings going, to stretch them over the small disappointments and displeasure of everyday life. Some days the malcontent, annoyance and small little evils take over and rule my internal world.

Today, at least so far, I have been successful to keep the good feelings on top. My internal world is at peace, content, happy, present. I have a few really full days ahead of me, but I hope and think that they will productive and joyous. I hope this internal peace will follow me, and that I will be able to stretch it over the little moments that will not be pleasing to me. I just have to keep remembering that happiness and love is stronger.